Thanks For the Memories

To say the least, I'm kinda sad/disappointed that I haven't heard from them when they told me that we would hang over Thanksgiving break. I see now that it wasn't meant to be.

Though it is currently break, I am falling behind in school. Since the library is closed this whole week, I have been too easily distracted while trying to study at home.

Home is getting more stressful and it's gotten to the point where I started looking for a room to rent. I don't know if I'll follow through with it, but I need some time alone. I just don't want to move out because my youngest sister will be lonely, at least that's what I think.

Thursday I hung out with Erin. I'm sooo jealous of her! She's got such an awesome apartment! Haha...but anyways, it was nice seeing her again. I haven't seen her since...a year ago I wanna say? We went to Yardhouse at the Spectrum and to Goldenspoon and Jamba Juice afterwards. My reward for such a hard week. Oh, speaking of a hard week. I forgot to mention what went on. I had a case study due Monday, a project due Tuesday, Midterm Wednesday, homework and another project due Thursday! Tiring week, but I'm glad it's all over.

EFTP recruitment at UCI and I think it went fairly well. 75 people signed up for the mailing list? We definitely weren't expecting 75, I can tell you that. Van's pretty amazing. She really did put in a lot of work and I think that's probably the single main reason why there was such an amazing turnout. There was a slideshow presentation where each of the volunteers there talked for a bit, and then a picture slideshow of our whole experience. All in all, it was cool.

Justin's party was cool. I got to see a buncha Servite peeps again. I did do something awkward though, literally. There was this girl that was going around to hug my friends, but I didn't know her, but she knew all of them. So I said, "How awkward" outloud and she heard me and got really angry. Haha...I guess I shouldn't have said anything cause it quite possibly made things very awkward afterwards. Meh...oh well. Maybe I'll learn someday.

Saturday was Kylie and David's wedding. It was cool I guess. I don't know what else to say. I don't really have any other wedding to compare it to in my adult experience so for now, it's the best one I've been to! Haha...but afterwards, we setup for the reception. I got to spend a lot of time with Bi and it was really cool just getting to know him. We were putting up signs and balloons to lead the guests from the parking lot to the reception area. Fun times. I left afterwards and went to the EFTP meeting. We got in a really good discussion, I felt, and that was the end of Saturday night. Things are really moving w/in the organization and I think that my aunts are really happy with the volunteers that went this past year. I don't think they've gotten this much enthusiasm from any other group. So that's pretty cool.

Today, I went to Chris Yulo's house to play guitar for the last time. Well, not necessarily the last time forever, but the last time in awhile. He's moving off to the Caribbeans to undertake the med program there. I wish him the best of luck cause I'm pretty sure he's going to need it. But yeah...we covered, "I need this more than you know" by Dear Juliet and then made up a song about Bacon. Haha...it was awesome! After, when we were parting ways, I gave my one and only copy of a half-step back's "Try to Look Smart" cd to Chris Yulo. I think he is the only one that should have gotten that CD. He's the one that inspired me to undertake music and guitar playing. Deadbolt! Ahaha...but yeah. I'm gonna miss him, but we'll see each other soon. Hopefully, things won't have changed too much.

One door closes, but is another one open? The more I talk with her, the more attractive I find her. But at this point, I don't think it's the right time for either of us. Or maybe I'm making excuses again because I'm afraid.

Love Always,
Hung

"Hey, can you make sure that I pronounce these lyrics ok? I want to sing it to someone special and I don't know if I'm getting the words right." He hands her the paper with the characters and begins his recitation. Time passes and she finally gives him the ok. "Wait here," he says. She sits there with a puzzled look on her face. He walks to the back of his car and opens the trunk. His heart begins to race. He's not sure if this is the right thing to do, but he knows that he wants to take this leap of faith and risk everything for once in his life. He takes out his guitar and walks back to where she's sitting...

I wonder if she ever thinks of me.

There seems to be a reason as to why that song appealed to me more than any other on the album.  Maybe it was the way he sang it or maybe the way the music kind of gives this feeling of hope for the future with that significant other.  In either case, when I read the translation to the lyrics (the song is in Korean), I understood why I kept thinking of her whenever I heard the song.  This guy Alex is amazing if he can convey feelings that can break through the language barrier in his music.

My projects are stressing me out, especially my Mgmt 516 project.  Sigh...that's just life I suppose, well...graduateschool life at least.  I get my exam back today and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to see the grade.

My dad's birthday is today.  In the past, I've never really paid attention to my parents birthday, partly because I never knew when their birthdays were (yes, I know I'm a horrible son), but my sisters always managed to remind me in time to get them a gift.  But starting yesterday, I'm going to try to be better to them and to my family in general.  I bought him a reversible belt, which I think is pretty cool cause one side is brown and the other is black, so you can change colors to fit the color scheme of your pants or whatever.  But anyways, I realized a few things over this past weekend and they pertain to my shortcomings.  Because I was suffering in my own little world, I didn't notice the people around me suffering, and even if I want to figure things out on my own, if I don't do it soon, it hurts the ones I love even more to see me struggling with this burden.  That is why I've decided that I will try my best and get the help I need, be it a psychiatrist or the comfort of friends.  I need to learn how to open up to others, otherwise, I feel like I'm lost.  I will deal with it and finish everything that is needed.so that people around me won't have to feel the pain.  Or I can just find a way to mask it even better...very tempting to say the least.  But besides that, another thing I've learned is that everyone is always dealing with their own problems and even though mine seem big in comparison, others feel their problems just as much as me.  Do you understand?  If you don't it's ok, just as long as I understand.  Like...I'm so possessed within my own world that I fail to notice that my little sister has her own problems.  I never ask her how her day was and never really have a conversation with her and for that, I'm truly sorry.  I really want to be there for the people around me and help them if they ever have any problems.  I'm scared that everything that's been happening these last two years has changed me into a person that I never was suppose to be.  I'm afraid for the future, I really am, but it's time that I face facts and learn to change or all will be lost.  You think I'm crazy for writing such an exclamation, but I think the little things need to be dealt with first because they aren't that little if you think about it.

I'm working on it, trying to be that better man.

Love always,
Hung

I wish this week would go by quicker.  I'm tried and there have been too many bad days to count.  I'm pretty sure I flunked my MGMT 516 test, and it left me wondering if grad school was the right choice for me.  Maintaining a B average is super hard, to say the least and I think I'm trying my best, but maybe I'm really not cut out for this.  Sigh...who knows anymore.  I flunked my Econ 515 quiz...blah.  I thought I knew what I was doing, but apparently, I thought wrong.

I"m beginning to dread the thought of my MGMT 516 group project, which is due at the end of this month.  FML...our outline was returned to us and it didn't look good.  I'm honestly trying my best to get others involved and finish everything, but no one seems to be cooperating.  WTF...the level of stress is rising.

Today was a bad day...probably the worst out of the days I've been having for awhile.  Long story short, went to see Dr. Janis today and he suggested I see a psychiatrist.  There are reasons why I think I should, but at the same time, there's a lot that's telling me not to.  I feel like I'm giving up if I did go and see someone.  But at the same time, I hate to see the people around me worry about me and asking me constantly, "Are you ok?".  It bugs me and I feel like everyone is looking down on me and feeling bad for me.  I know they're worried, but shit...I'll handle my business people.  I love you too, but let me be...please!  Haha...but after saying all that, I think I will check out this psychiatrist.  It could help.  We'll see...

Midterm tomorrow and I haven't started studying for it yet.  I could really give a shit about this class.  I feel like it's a joke the amount of effort I actually have to put into something as dumb as this.  Blah...whatevs.

Love always,
Hung

I'm sorry, my dear journal, for not updating you sooner on the things that have been happening in my life, but I have been very busy trying to keep up with the ever passing moment.  A lot of things have been happening and I would like a breather sometime soon, though last week would be considered a breather, I suppose, but it wasn't long enough!

Mgmt 516:  B-

Did I write about my interviews?  I did an Education for the Poor interview for Saigon TV 57.5, but I still have yet to see it.  It was a good experience like Vince was saying, and I'm glad that I did it.  I was able to see the workings of the background TV crew and how everything was set up.  Let me tell you, it wasn't as glamorous as I had imagined, but it's ok.  I was enlightened with the experience and hopefully I didn't look/sound like too much of a dork.

CONTINUE

Sorry for leaving you hanging, but I realized that I had to stop writing because it was class time yesterday.  Right now, it is about 1:45pm Wednesday.  I've got a quiz later at 4 for my Econ 515 class, which I am currently "studying" for right now.  Haha...I feel like I'm underestimating it again.

So what else is there to write about?  It was furlough week last week and it was really nice just getting a little pause in life.  I got to catch up on some sleep, reading, studying, gym, etc.  It passed by too quickly, and now I'm back to studying like crazy for my round 2 midterms.  I've got 4 next week and I didn't even realize I had 2 of them!  AHAHA...why don't I feel panicked yet? 

During furlough week, went to Knott's scary farm again w/some people from Fullerton.  It was an interesting night to say the least.  I was suppose to be set up with one of their friends, though I didn't know it at the time, but then another guy came and jumped in instead.  How do I feel about it?  Meh...like I've been saying, if it happens it happens.  I'm not exactly looking for anything right now only cause I want to save money and also because I'm super busy.  It was a blessing in disguise, but I do think that the guy was an idiot.  To say the least, he was in a frat and you know how I feel about frats and sororities in general.  He kept saying some idiotic things and at one point, I wanted to do...something...not so nice, but I held back only cause I didn't want to cause a scene or do something I might later regret in front of my new friends.  I feel like, everyone felt like I was a pushover...  Actually, I'm pretty sure they didn't think that, but I feel like they were expecting me to do something and when I didn't, I felt like I was letting them down.  Maybe I am overanalyzing again.  I really need to just stop thinking about things.

Did I tell you how I was thinking of her when I tied my straws and they ended up not knotting together.  =)  Twice!

Education for the Poor dinner was alright.  More TV interviews and for sure I didn't do as well this second time around.  Overall, the dinner was ok.  It would have been better if I understood everything that was going on, as well as be able to sit with some of my friends.  But to tell you the truth, I kinda liked sitting at the adult table.  It made me feel kinda more mature, though it was a little bit of a bore.

I did my interview with Molly and revealed some things that I didn't think I was going to talk about.  No tears, no sadness, no regrets...no feelings either...  Am I really ok with everything that's happened, or am I just too broken to actually realize how deep in I actually got.  Anyways, more questions to answer in order to elaborate.  I think she would have been a very good friend to have and it sucks that I didn't reach out then.  But that's just life.

I had dinner w/Jackie the other night.  Sorry I was so late Jackie!  I left later than when I had planned on and LA traffic sucks like no other.  But it was a good night.  =)  We went to a Mexican place that was a BYOB.  First time being there and it was really scrumptious, though a bit pricey for my taste.  We went to an art gallery/tattoo shop afterwards.  My old friend (gradeschool) had some prints in the exhibit and had invited me.  Normally, I wouldn't have gone, but I felt it was weird that she included me in her guest list, when she didn't invite everyone she knew.  She's still lively like before.  Why do I feel that I'm the one that's changed?  I can't pinpoint when my attitude in life changed so drastically.  It was probably sometime in high school, but in gradeschool, I still had that childlike belief that everything would be ok.  I still had hope.  How things have changed so drastically is beyond me.  I sometimes blame the parentals for sending me to Servite, but other times i feel like thanking them since I was able to find good souls that still care about me.  Anyways...Natlie came by too, but we didn't stay that long to chat only cause I was feeling uncomfortable/awkward and wanted to leave.  So I made Jackie leave.  I feel bad sometimes.  Jackie is an amazing friend and I wonder what she still sees in me.  Went back to her place and just sat around and reminisced about the days of yore.  She took out our Gondolin pics and I realized how many people I don't keep in touch with.  It's probably the same with everyone else, but I dunno.  It feels like I should have tried harder.  But it's the slow fade of love I suppose.

What else is there to write about?  Halloween is this weekend and I'm excited to see some good friends again.  =)  And hopefully meet some really cute girls...hehe.  Hopefully I'll be cool.

On my way to school today, I remembered Dave's words and I felt really happy and blessed that he's still in my life.  "You have a lot to offer people".  The context of our conversation at the time, I think, was how I was such a loyal friend to him and how I have a hard time making friends and meeting new people in general.  I've still got a long way to go to become that better man that I keep envisioning.

OH!  I thought the house was haunted yesterday cause there was a buncha creeking sounds when I was laying in bed.  It was probably just the wind blowing, but it was still creepy nonetheless.

In the mornings when there is no one at home and after I've packed up my stuff and got ready for school, I started playing guitar and singing in front of the bathroom mirror.  It really calms me down and makes me happy even though the songs I play are really simple.  It still makes me happy.  =)  But shhh...keep it a secret...hehe.  I think I'm going to keep doing it until I grow tired.

I need to work out.  I need to study.  4 exams!  Sigh...not really scared, but more like anxiety.  Meh...it's all good.

VCSA gives me something to look forward to during my schoolweek.  No joke.  I didn't think it would and felt like a hypocrite joining such a club.  But it's time I find some help don't you think?

Camera Obscura, American Football, Cassino, Broken Social Scene.

Anyways...I really should start studying again.  Wish me luck!  Later days!

Love Always,
Hung

I'm reminded of the book that I once read and I realize how things have changed and how change happens everyday whether we like it or not.  It's hard to reconcile and continue living when there are shadows that haunt you constantly.  Try to reconcile for the sake of getting by...that's what I've been telling myself to survive, but then I realize that's not the way to live life.  I've realized that I've become such a boring person.  I even bore myself!  I haven't made any real friends here in Fullerton and all the while, I've been losing my old friends one by one.  All I do is study, but for what?  It's hard to put my feelings into words and it's always been hard for me to express myself.  Even with a smile on my face, I think I mask IT very well.  I know I'm broken and the burden is getting heavier.  I know there are people I can lean on, but at times I feel imposing.  Like yesterday when I spoke with Bri.  I had to stop myself because I felt that things would get awkward, but why do I do that?  I know that friends, and family for that matter, are there and more than willing to share and help with your troubles.  I've been trying to analyze myself these past couple of years, and all I can really see is that my faith in trust is abandoning.  These heavy thoughts are deafening.  Slightly poetic no?

It's Monday, and I was delaying putting my thoughts here for you, my dear journal, but I figure an update would be necessary if we were to continue this charade.  Life has been all, but pleasant.  Studying and working hard in school doesn't necessarily correlate to good grades in grad school.  I guess I should have put more emphasis on the studying rather than on the taking notes from the chapters.  But it's ok I suppose since it is only the first round midterms.  I can make it up later I hope.  I always say that, and it always seems I end up screwing myself over?  Haha...we shall see.

Grades so far:
MGMT 516:  unknown (I think I did good on the free response, but the multiple choice was super tricky)
ISDS 265:  B+
ACCT 301A:  C
ECON 515:  B

I'll update you when I find out about my MGMT grade, which is later today.  I have a quiz to study for too, which I should start to do soon.

In other news...life's been peachy.  I can't remember much of what's been going on, but this past weekend was a blessing and a curse.  I was able to rest A LOT, not sleepwise, but just be lazy and not study as much, but of course, the downside is that I didn't get to study.  O_O  Life is fun like that.  I've been unproductive recently after midterms and that will definitely bite me in the ass.

Went to Knott's Scary Farm and it was fun just going on the rides again.  I wish I had that significant other to take thru the mazes, but meh...it was ok nonetheless.  When I think of significant others, I always seem to think of her.  Oh!  What does hooking up mean to you guys?  Cause I think my friends seem to have misunderstood me when I said I wouldn't hook up with a certain girl.  My definition of hooking up is the thought of a one night stand.  When I think her, I want more than just a one night stand.  I want a real relationship and it's really hard (and definitely awkward to say the least) only because we've known each other for a long time and it's never really been THAT kind of relationship you know?  Why have I been situated on this one girl for so long?  Because she makes me want to be a better person and I think that's what I'm really looking for.  I'm not saying I've been celibate and have been keeping my distance from girls, it's just...let's just say she has a special place, whether she knows it or not.  We'll leave it at that cause I could definitely go on and on about just this.

Why are my thoughts so random this morning?  I feel like I'm rambling for no reason.  Anyways...I was asked by a friend to do an interview on my thoughts on cancer.  I've been considering it only because I feel like it would be a good outlet to discuss things and face facts.  In all honesty, I'm afraid of what will happen if I really open up.  I haven't talked about these things with anyone, not even family, and I've always felt that no one will completely understand, unless they've been thru the battle themselves.  I've been going to a "support" group at school.  It's hard to admit, but I'm trying to be more honest with the people around me, which includes you my dear journal.  The support group has helped me find some good souls, people I know that I can open up to and figure out some things for myself...eventually.  I haven't really shared anything with them, but I think I've opened myself up a little bit?  I don't know if I will share or would want to share these heavy thoughts.  Everything that's happened since 2008 seems to be a waking nightmare.

My group project is going nowhere and I really regret asking those people to join our group.  I wish I just went with someone who actually had direction and knew what they were doing.  I can't do this all by myself people.  I hate to admit it, but I can't.  I hate group projects so much.

Jackie called me and it was really surprising.  She even asked me to grab lunch over the weekend.  It was unfortunate that we were unable to.  I'm going to try to invite her out this weekend though.  It's been awhile.

I had a big fight with my mom over religion a couple weeks ago.  I don't think I mentioned it, but we have been doing better.

I don't know what else to write about.  No new songs, though I have been fiddling around with making a song out of Heavy Ragdoll.  We will see.  I've been listening to Something Corporate recently and I think I totally missed out on a really good band.  I want to go see Jack's Mannequin sooo bad, but they're playing at the House of Blues during my acct class and it's the week before my next midterm so I think I'm opting out.  And plus...tickets on ebay are like $80 bucks.  Sigh...

It's starting to get boring on We Got Married.  I think the Lettuce Couple are the best!

Anyways...I should start reading and "studying".  Later days!

Love Always,
Hung

Dear Min, how’s the other side?

You lost your fight, and left me to wonder why

I survived

Thank you Andy for writing the songs

That helped me through the trying times

We’re the only kindred souls who understand

How it feels like to be an orphan dressed in paper robes

A circus attraction for everyone I know

Cause only we’ll ever know what we’ve been through

Others only see the beauty in breathing machines

They pump the flowers back into me

Thorns pierced my hands, arms, and hip

As my lungs got scarred and my head went numb

In more ways than one

My soul was prodded

Maybe it’s to make up for crimes in my past life

But dear judge, the sentence was too harsh

Why did I have to force the words out from your mouth?

To live and breathe again without a doubt

To write a new page unsure
In a story that’s all but gone

The aftermath of real living

Let’s get back to reality

It’s hard to reconcile

Try to reconcile for the sake of getting by

The pieces are all that’s left of me now

I know I should be studying, but I can't get the thoughts out of my head.  Maybe this way, I'll be able to concentrate.  Gah!  I'm tired of midterms!  O_O

Dear Min, how’s the other side?
I heard you lost your fight and left me to wonder why I survived
You're a luckier man than me
Dear Andy, thanks for writing songs that helped me through the trying times
Cause I’ve felt like an orphan, walking around in paper robes
Like a circus attraction for everyone I know
The breathing machines pumped beautiful petals but
I only saw the thorns that pierced my hands, arms, and hip
While my lungs and head got scarred in more ways than one
Maybe it’s to make up for the crimes in my past life
Dear judge, the sentence was too harsh
Why did I have to force the words out of your mouth in order to live without a doubt?
This is all that’s left of me now for the sake of getting by

Very rough, I know.

Love Always,

Hung

School is kicking my butt and my first actual test is tomorrow.  Honestly, I'm really afraid of how it's going to turn out.  We'll see.

I saw Sunah today, which was a really nice surprise, but I didn't get a chance to say bye cause she looked really intense in her studying mode.  I didn't want to disturb her.

This girl named Nhat dressed up today and I think she was trying to catch my eye?  I've been so out of it lately, I don't know what's going on anymore.  Our group project might end up being not so good...

Connie texted me today out of nowhere and I thought it was really nice.  Like what Brendan(?), I think, said way long ago, it just shows you that they were thinking of you.  I like being remembered and thought of.  =)

My uncle passed away this morning.  It's mixed feelings.  Of course I'm sad that he passed away, but at the same time, I hadn't seen him since my childhood.  I wasn't ever really close to him, but I can still remember his laugh...weird.  He died of abdomen cancer.  I know it's not the same, but I can't help but think about certain things, and when my mind weighs heavy on that thought, I don't know...it just weirds me out...

Wish me luck tomorrow.  My mind plays tricks on me, but that might just be because I'm tired.  I keep thinking of ways of getting to talk to them again, but then I always feel like maybe it's not the best idea.  Buuut I did think of a really good idea today.  We'll see if anything happens.

Love Always,
Hung
 

Even though I am pretty much caught up with school, at least I hope so, I still feel the stress of being behind.  I have 2 exams this week for ISDS 265, followed by 2 exams next week for ECON 515 and ACCT 301A, followed by my MGMT 516 exam.  Currently studying in the library, my home for the next couple of weeks.

Quynh moved out to UCR yesterday.  My mom went and said something about being shy to her roomate's family while she was there and needless to say, it got pretty much everyone in a bad mood.  When I talked to her about it later, she wouldn't admit that she said that.  I was really itchy afterwards, figuratively, but you know what.  I know she had good intentions even when it might have come out in a not so good manner.  But anyways...I sent an email to my sister talking about my own experiences and now I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do.  I do expect her to be not as naive now that she's gone off to live in the dorms, but then again, I told her a lot of stuff my family doesn't know about.  She hasn't replied to my email yet so I can't help, but think that maybe it was a little too soon.  In any case, I wanted her to know the reality of certain situations.  It's for her best interest...at least I think so?  Haha...we will see.

I think I was flirting via texting at the library today?  A girl in my group started texting me and I texted back.  We got off subject and kept going, but it's been so long since I've actually had the tiniest bit of interest in someone.  Not to say that I'm interested, but I was maybe a little bit?  Iono...what happened two years ago still bothers my waking mind.

Playing guitar and trying to record has been a chore to say the least.  I feel inspired when I listen to my old tracks that I layed down, but when it actually gets down to the part where I'm sitting in front of my mic, it's a totally different story.  My voice isn't as good as it use to be, and I feel that the new songs that I've recently been making lack that personal touch.  Yeah, they may sound a little bit different from before but not by much.  I lack inspiration.  Oh and the lyrics I write aren't really personal at all, which probably is why the music doesn't feel as personal.  On another note, I wanted to invest in these electronic drumsticks.  $10...how could I go wrong?  Actually...there are many ways I could go wrong...but that's a different story...haha.

I miss the way it was before.

Love Always,
Hung

Today I tried something new and checked out VCSA, the Vietnamese Catholic Student Association.  I'm not sure if it's the right fit, but I think I'll give it another try.  Everyone was really nice and I was probably the most relaxed I've been in awhile.  We shall see.

I told Henry about being sick.  Even though he doesn't see eye to eye with a couple of people in my family, I know that he has a good heart, that's probably why he's one of the few, outside of that initial circle of friends that I wanted to tell.

I miss Kami, or the thought of having a best girl space friend that I could talk with.  I don't know how to repair things.

Who knows what the future may hold.  Everything is pretty much up in the air and it sucks that nothing is set in stone for me.  I'm kinda scared cause I read that accounting jobs are being outsourced.  Gah!  I hope this isn't the wrong way to go.

I keep thinking about him and what I had missed out on.  I write him messages on aim that he'll never get to read.  Most of the messages, just to ask him for advice.  I missed out then, but I'm trying my best now...kinda.

Why does everyone look like they're sleeping in the library?  Or maybe it was just today.

My cough isn't going away.  My hair isn't growing back normally, in fact, I think it was worse than before, especially the left side...  How superficial am I?  Sometimes I think it wasn't worth it that I survived, but I lost my hair in the process.  Haha...maybe this is how all guys who are balding feel minus the life threatening handicap.

School is the same and I am tired.  Sorry that I keep writing depressing stuff my dear journal, but it helps me cope with everything.  Many times, I don't know who to talk to.  I keep thinking about what my mom asked me near the beginning.  Maybe I should have taken her up on that offer?

Love Always,
Hung
 

I just wanted to thank you Andrew McMahon.  Not only has your music helped me thru these trying times, but just knowing that you had the same experience as me...I don't know how to explain it.  I feel like we know how each other even though we've never met before.  Corny I know, but the shit we've been thru...it's hard to explain.

Anyways...3 songs.

MFEO Pt. 2
"You can breathe now".  Though the song doesn't relate much overall to the journey, this simple line helped me trek on.  I listened to this A LOT during the time period.

Cell Phone
"There's a fighter somewhere underneathe this skin and bones"  I heard you wrote this song about something else and then changed the meaning.  In either case, this song helped me when I was in Vietnam.  It helped me in more ways than one.

Caves
"Beat my body like a rag doll, stick the needles in my hip"  Initially, I thought the song was "stick the needles in my hand".  When I heard these lines today while driving in my car, I couldn't help but look at my hand and realizing how much shit my hand had to go thru.  I couldn't help but laugh to myself and genuinely enjoy the feeling of being alive.  It's weird how things come to me.  Maybe I'm just slow, but in that moment, I was really happy to be alive.  This song ultimately has helped me accept the things that has happened to me.  I don't know why I felt ashamed of what I went thru before.  I kept trying to hide things, but now...it's different...iono.

Though there were friends and family to help, did you still feel alone?  Did you feel like a burden?  Did you feel broken?  Now that you're "fixed", do those feelings go away Andrew?  I don't know how to describe it...is everything just different now?  Change is constant and all I saw was everyone moving forward and the idea of being stuck was in the back of my mind...  Were they only there because they felt obligated and now since you're finished with everything, they've distanced themselves, able to move on without you?  There are so many other thoughts that have kept me down recently.  Could you help me Mr. McMahon?  I could use someone who understands right now.  I could use a good soul right about now.

Love Always,
Hung
 

Today, my oncologist officially told me that the lymphoma is in remission.  Thank you family and friends for your continuous support.  I really couldn't have done this without you.

In other news, school is kicking my butt.

Love Always,
Hung

Well I made it.  I'm home in Long Beach, California...just in time to see my cousin off.  She's returning to Colorado today and my other cousins are returning to Texas tomorrow.  I'm glad that I was able to see them again before they left.

My trip this summer was full of highs and lows.  Vietnam was probably my favorite country out of the three, just because I was able to make so many friends there and make so many memories that I hope will not be forgotten anytime soon.  I was really sad when I left and I even cried a little on the bus ride to the airport, but don't tell anyone...haha.

Taiwan was nice in that I was able to meet up with Brierley.  I hadn't seen him in the longest time and I'm glad he's doing well.  It was cool just hanging out and taking the subway everywhere.  Their subway system is really nice too!  Probably because they fine you for eating and drinking on the subway system.  My favorite memories of Taiwan was taking the subway everywhere, getting the chance to drive motorbikes, and Brierley saying, "It's a bomb...I'm glad I didn't say that any louder" while we were riding the subway car.  Good times.  I was able to meet a Viet girl in Brierley's class.  Her name was Lang I think?  It was nice just being able to converse with her in Vietnamese since I was very Vietnam sick while over in Taiwan.  We were suppose to hang out with her too, but then Brierley had to take his dad to the hospital for his back.  I felt really bad, but there really was nothing we could do.  Whatevs I guess.  When Bri was in class or in his meeting, I read.  I finished 2 books and started a third while I was in Taiwan.  Crazy!  Brierley's dad and step-mom seemed nice.  They were nice enough to take me in and let me live with them for the 5 days while I was hanging in Taiwan and when his dad found out that I had cancer and was coughing, he made an effort to try to teach me Tai Chi and find information to help me.  It was cool, but he did give me a long lecture about how I worry too much.  Some of it was useful, but some of it was kinda funny and I had to try hard to stop from laughing.  He implied Bri was gonna get cancer by saying that I was lucky to have been able to find out earlier on?  LOL

Korea...I was homesick at this point and tired from traveling so much.  I didn't have as much fun because it was only Kami and Eleen and they talked about girl stuff the whole time and went shopping the whole time.  Sigh...I didn't feel like I belonged there and I felt bad that I was ruining there trip, but whatevs.  I dunno...never hang out with them when it's gonna be only us 3 is what I learned.  I was thinking other things too on the trip, but I won't write them here...  Anyways, my favorite memory while on this trip was the fish that ate my dead skin off my feet and seeing Jenny.  Jenny keeps getting prettier everytime I see her and always seems unreachable.  I told her I had a crush on her freshman year and then proceeded to throw up everywhere...haha.  Eleen's parents are really nice and they were really cool too.  They seemed like they matched well with each other.  I was really happy to have met them.

It's really interesting how differently we are all raised.  I was able to see that when I stayed with different families for an extended period of time.

I need to pay Quynh Chau back, buy books, buy a parking permit. do laundry, sort my room, etc.

Doctors appointments the 18th with my radiologist and the 19th with my oncologist.

Orientation with CSUF on the 21th and 22st.   Sigh...I can't believe I'm starting school again.

White coat ceremony for my older sister on the 23rd.

I want to hang out, but I'm afraid things have changed with everyone.  We shall see I suppose...or maybe I'm still as awkward as before...  Anyways...later days!

Love always,
Hung

I feel as if life is passing by so slow, but when I look back on what has happened, I still can't believe that Vietnam is over and my experience with Taiwan has come to an end as well.  Taiwan was fun and I really got to spend time just hanging out with Brierley.  We went to a lot of different places like Taipei 101 (the current tallest building in the world), a couple of temples, a museum, etc.  But all in all, I think my favorite part of the trip was when we were able to ride mopeds around the mountainside/beach area.  It was really fun!  Oh and when we were on the subway and he was playing Bejeweled.  I asked him what a certain thing was and he said, "It's a bomb" and then adding, "I'm glad I didn't say that any louder."  AHAHA...fun times.  I read two books when I had downtime, when he was at work or in class.  I'm very grateful to him and his parents for allowing me to stay with them.  It was really chill and relaxed to say the least, though sometimes awkward and weird when I told his dad the reason why I was coughing so much.  It's weird having to explain to people, but it happens I guess.  His dad gave me a lecture and tried to teach me some breathing techniques afterwards, and though I appreciated his enthusiasm and want to help me out, it was kinda weird.

Korea has been ok so far.  Seeing Kami and Eleen again has been fun.  Seeing them together again has been...challenging.  It feels like I'm being dragged around to whatever female stuff they want to do, but I guess it's whatevs for now.  It's only the first day and I've still got a whole week to see things.  No need to rush.  I talked with Jenny today for the first time in years (?).  I was very happy to say the least, and I hope I get a chance to see her and hang out with her before I leave, preferably tonight.  But we shall see.

Kami and Eleen are currently passed out on the beds and I'm left here with nothing to do.  Sigh...it's kinda nice though being able to have time to talk to you again.  I hope you are all well.

Love always,
Hung

Yesterday I left Vietnam and I miss it already.  Quynh Anh became the Champion of Xu Xi, but next year will be different.  I hope I can come back next year, but we shall see.  The day I left, was really bad.  I think I got a computer virus at the airport.  My sister's camera and my dad's camcorder got stolen from my luggage.  I only realized this when the batteries from the camcorder bag were also not there.  I thought I had just been absent minded and left them in Vietnam.  Maybe there still is a chance?  I should email my aunt and ask her to ask Sister Tuyet.

Currently in Taiwan.  It's been ok so far besides the fact that I haven't seen Brierley and I've had to endure awkwardness of conversing only with his parentals.  I have a beautiful view with no camera to take pictures with.  Brierley might be too busy to hang out with me with work and school.  I wonder how I'm going to keep myself busy here.

Did I tell you I miss Vietnam?

Love always,
Hung

July 28, 2009

My last day in Vietnam…I’m very saddened.  I can’t believe this 6 weeks have ended so suddenly.  I’ve made a lot of friends, I hope we will be able to keep in touch.  I miss everyone already…

I don’t really know what else to write.  There’s so much to do in so little time.  I will definitely miss you Vietnam.

Love Always,

Hung 

In my own mind, though never blatantly stated, I think I always felt that I was too good for my Vietnamese heritage.  What an eye opener this has been for me, coming and teaching on this trip.  The people here are not as concerned with the material possessions, but worry more about their fellow man.  Everyone is practically approachable here in Vietnam, and if I was more sociable, maybe I’d be more like Henry and start conversation with random strangers.  It’s a different mindset, one that I’ve only begun to get a glimpse of.  I’m very blessed to have such great students who have destroyed my bigotry views.  I just wanted to say thank you.  I love you all, and I hope the memories and lessons won’t be forgotten anytime soon.

 

I made 2 people in my class cry and I yelled at one, like blatantly yelled at them.  I felt bad and apologized afterwards for losing my temper, but I don’t stand disrespect.  That’s what I told them.  Oh and I didn’t necessarily make the 2 students cry, but the questions I had up on the board for discussion were taken a little too personal so that happened.  I asked, “Who do you admire most in your life?” and “What is your biggest fear?”  Each day of discussion and sharing with the class is a new lesson for me.

 

I think my favorite memory in Vietnam is playing Rock Paper Scissors with Quynh Anh.

 

One of my favorite memories is having my mini date with Yen, and her teaching me, or trying to teach me how to read Vietnamese.  She called me today via Thong’s phone.  It was nice to hear from her again.  Huong is leaving.  Today was her last day and I was very surprised.  She gave me a gift, one that I haven’t opened yet, but soon…after I take a picture of it.

 

You know…it actually makes me sad when I think about leaving here.  A part of me is glad I’m able to move on, but when my students begin leaving one by one, I can’t help, but feel sadness.  When they tell me they won’t come to my class anymore…I just….dunno.

 

Did I write about the beach with my morning class?  It was pretty chill.  I got to know them a lot better and they’re growing on me.  Even though they’re troublemakers, I still can’t help, but feel that they are very similar to me.

 

I can’t really remember what else we’ve been up to, just a lot of coffee shops and hanging out.  I can’t believe there’s only one week left!  SOOO short!!!

 

Oh!  We went to Big C, which is similar to a Wal-Mart, but the place was confusing, and the fact that we were running out of time, led to very little exploration.  It’s all good though.  Vi is cute and so is Thien.  I want to set them up before I leave…haha…I highly doubt it though.

 

Tomorrow is our “Camping” trip.  Oh!  I bought Nhuc Me for my whole morning class cause they were having a contest to see which side of the class could sing louder.  The left won, but I ended up buying a drink for everyone.  I became broke that day after paying Van for the trip on Sunday and I ended up having to go exchange more money.  But anyways, I hope tomorrow will be extra fun, make the kind of memories that last forever.

 

I feel so emo thinking about the end, but it’s gonna come for certain.

 

Love always,

Hung

Coffee shops galore and I'm spinning in a caffeinated state of mind.  I love the taste of espresso, especially when shared with the company of friends and pretty ladies, but I'm afraid I'm going to get sick of it sooner or later.  Hopefully later...  It seems we go to a shop everyday to use internet, and though I enjoy that one cup of joe a day, I feel as if I'm overdoing it.  But what can you do, I guess?  I'll go anywhere to get internet.

Yesterday's coffee "shop" was beautiful and amazing.  It was outdoors and next to a lake.  I went w/the teachers, my TA Quynh Nhu and my student Quan.  It was chill except for when my TA started asking me weird questions about what type of girls I was interested in, whether I was single or not, etc.  Those kind of questions make me feel uncomfortable because in the US, teachers don't really get involved or personal with their students, but I suppose it's different here in Vietnam.  She's kinda emo to tell you the truth, but nice and has an amazing voice at the same time.  Sometimes, I see her roll her eyes in class...I wonder if she's bored or thinks I'm unfit to be a teacher.  I don't know.

Oh...have I told you how much more I love my afternoon class than my morning class.  It seems as if my afternoon class is more appreciative and seeking that knowledge while my morning class doesn't really listen to me and talks/giggles constantly.  Of course, they are younger, but still.  I got angry today and threatened to throw some of them out of the room if they kept on talking.  Well not necessarily, but I said that if they wanted to talk, they could take their conversation outside.  Sigh...

My student Quan took me around this morning, and I have to say, going by motorbike is awesome!  I love it!  Thanks for the Bun Bo Hue and the morning coffee.  It really was fun.  I can't believe the guy is moving to Singapore.  Crazy!

You know, besides not having reliable internet, I really like the Vietnamese way of life.  It's a whole lot simpler and less worries.  You only work for what you need.

My cough is getting worse.  We shall see how much more I can endure.

I'm registering tomorrow!  Crazy!  I wonder if my loans went through or not.

I wonder if we're leaving soon or if we're gonna take the chance of being locked outside of our gate.

You know, Vietnamese people really like oldies, 70's, The Carpenters and such.  Also, they really like those sappy love songs.  When we go over them for pronounciation in class, I feel really icky having to say every single word the singers chose to sing.

Love always,
Hung

I saw my little cousins from America today when we were heading out for the coffee shop.  It was interesting to say the least.  The first word that came out of their mouths was "Baldy".  I was wondering if their parents told them what had happened to me, but from their actions, I can only assume that it didn't happen.  It hurts inside.

I'm coughing a lot more and I think my lungs are drowning me.  Some of my students have asked about it, asked if I'm sick.  What can I tell them?  Not to worry?  I'm getting a bit concerned myself.  I wonder if I can survive another 5 weeks away from my doctors.  I shall try.

My morning class has gotten better since I feel as if I'm in a bit more control of things.  I still have a hard time getting those little punk kids to participate, and people still giggle like Thuy and Dien and Tin, but whatever.

My little cousin fed me to the wolves...I forgot if I already wrote about this.

"She thinks I'm much to thin, she asks me if I'm sick
what's a boy to do with friends like this?"

Love Always,

Hung